Who Moved My Helium Tank?!

Ever feel like a balloon that's had all of its air/helium let out of it?? You're filled up with hope (air) and tied up with pretty ribbons (dreams) then float in anticipation of all that COULD be. Other balloons in the bunch float away to adventures unknown but you don't THEN, you realize, all of your air has slowly leaked out through poor choices, missed opportunities, heartache & pain...

All of a sudden, you realize that you're deflated. Instead of the brightly colored, curly ribbons that were your outward confidence and ambition you now see them as lack-luster and constricting, even confusing.

I know this feeling... all too well! I look forward and see blankness. I guess some would say it's a "blank slate", an "empty canvas" that is full of potential and possibilities. I just see what could have been but know won't ever actually be.... I look at my so-called-career and wonder what's next while fretting over the poor choices I've made along the way. "Will anyone take a chance on me?" I ask myself. Laughingly, I realize that this question is not only applicable to my career life but my personal life. At least I've got it all consolidated! I see that the work world is very different now and a lot of us are victims of circumstances outside of our control. "But what about the stupid mistakes I've made along the way that were all my fault!?"

I find that many of the struggles we face in our life come down to the same questions. The problem is figuring out the answers! The fear is that the "answers" are out there, everywhere that the other balloons went... but I'm lying limp, deflated with some fading ribbons. "Hmmpph! Now what!?... Where is my lift, my sustenance, my hope... and why have my ribbons lost their brillian curl?"

Days roll on, although shorter now, and I continue to search the job boards for my next adventure. It all seems so unimportant, though. I look at these jobs and wonder, "does this job have any meaning? Will it be just another 'job'? If so, is that what I want?" My answer, over and over again, is "I DON'T KNOW!?!!". Until I have that answer or until the perfect opportunity comes my way, I'll hang on to my ribbons and hold onto whatever little bit of "lift" I have left and pray...

Carousel: (Seemingly) A spinning collage of bliss and fun.... but how do I get on?

There's something about being a 34-year-old single gal who is sharing a home with a family member that lends itself to spending a good deal of time contemplating your life. Who woulda' thunk it, right!?!? In the past few days, I've had some realizations. Things that aren't super fun or motivating to learn about myself but more importantly, not fun to realize about others. BUT, that's what life is all about, right?!? Learning about ourselves as we trek through the muck & grime of life's path. (Insert lame life-lesson cliche of your choice here)

Realization #1 - I'M 34 YEARS OLD WITH NO PROSPECTS OF LEAVING SINGLE-DOM AND JOINING THE BETROTHED WORLD. This is okay, if I convince myself of the most heard cliche in my life: "you just haven't met the right one, he's out there, you just wait". UMMM (raising my hand timidly as if I was in 9th grade Algebra all over again), how long am I to wait exactly?? Here's the thing... I'm smart and, more importantly, wise enough to know that I don't need to or want to "settle". I realize that I need to find that person that is first and foremost a best friend. Got it! Now, how to find that. I've wasted untold amounts of money trying the 2 big sites of the online dating world. NOTHING! NADA! ZIP! ZILCH! I shall not continue to pad their bank accounts. And leading me to this decision...

Realization #2 - Life is a freakin' carousel! It looks all pretty, shiny, whimsical. OOOOOOOH! "These people look so happy!" I get closer. It's not a carousel of horses, giraffes, tigers, lions.... it's a carousel of life. Wedding bells, new homes, baby carriages, beach vacations in place of the typical animals. I try to jump on as we did when we were kids and trying to hop on the merry-go-round after it was already spinning. I get ready, keep trying to make the leap but just can't quite grab onto it. I look like a cat preparing to pounce on prey except without the actual pounce so essentially I look like I'm having some sort of seizure. "How do you get ON this thing?" Wait, these people are happy but I also see some strained smiles, furrowed brows and anxious kids in soccer uniforms. So maybe this ride isn't all that great? Or maybe it's great for some but not for others... not all it's cracked up to be? Regardless, it's a carousel. It's going by me, spinning slowly but not slow enough to be able to just hop on without effort. "I want to get on and enjoy it ALL! Don't I?" I'm a bystander watching the folks in my sphere of influence raise their kids, fawn over their handsome husbands, take nice vacations, fix up their homes together. "There's got to be a way onto this crazy-wild-fun-amazing-sometimes-sad-spinning machine of pretty colors and smiles?!!"

So I wander off leaving the carousel and its happy-but-sorta-creepy organ music playing. Maybe I'll just get a big, overpriced beer and a funnel cake then work my over to the "Fun House". At least I know what that's about; it's not fun, it's frightening so no secret there. Or I may go to the "Lucky Duck" booth and maybe, just maybe I'll pick the winning duck. Nah.... I'll just stick with the beer and funnel cake.

Lifting Up Prayer

I normally use this outlet to take a humorous look at life but would like to use this blog today as a way to express sympathy to those affected by the earthquake in Haiti.

"God, guide relief workers, humanitarian agencies as they assess the damage and assist victims during relief and recovery efforts. "

Psalms 31:3

The prayer above is for those that are the cornerstone of disaster relief, recovery, rescue. This is a nation that suffers greatly even during the best of times. The kind word or simple kind gesture of a humanitarian worker may bring the love of Christ to someone who feels very far away from God's grace right now.

The prayer below is for the hurting, lost, and scared people that are in the midst of this disaster. My hope is that, in the chaos, they will hear God's reassurance. May this reassurance be enough to give them the will to persevere.

"God, give those adversely affected by tragedy a faith so strong that it will move mountains."

Matthew 17:20

PRAY WITHOUT CEASING!

Facebook Fast

Happy 2010 to All! Sorry for the delay in posting something new and exciting but with the holiday whirlwind and the following deep freeze, I've been in a sort of hibernation. Including putting on extra layers of fat to keep me warm ... unfortunately! Thanks to this I've begun a new workout regimen (novel idea, huh ... starting a new exercise routine in January) and am eating super healthy. Well, okay, not SUPER healthy but way better than before the holidays. I mean, I am eating celery sticks for snacks for goodness' sake people!

The best news I have to report is that this was probably the best Christmas my family has had since losing my father. We still have a hole in our hearts for him and miss him something fierce, especially at the holidays but we (mom & I) really threw ourselves into the season this year hosting get-togethers, attended fun events, baked our hearts out, gave out homemade gifts and spent a lot of time watching cheesy Christmas movies by the fire. What more could we ask for?!?!

Now January lumbers in and settles over us like a wet blanket. Well, to be exact, a COLD wet blanket. This uncharacteristically cold weather is taking a toll on us physically (My skin is drier than a southerner's humor towards newly arrived yankees) and emotionally. It's getting dark early, it's freezing cold (literally) and college football is over. In light of these gloomy facts, I've decided to use this continued hibernation to re-center myself spiritually. My church has encouraged a 21-Day Fast. I chose to give up Facebook for 21 days!! I know what you're thinking, "What about your crops in Farmville?!" "What about keeping up with what everyone is having for dinner?!" "What about not being informed of critical information like what color my friends' bras are?!" It will be tough. It will be tempting. It will be .... FREEING! I can use this time to finish the 3 books I have started. I can also actually CALL or, even better, SEE friends instead of "Facebooking" them. (another novel idea, huh?!)

At this point, I'm sure most of you are thinking, "Yeah Yeah Yeah nice blog on the holidays and cold weather but what about the dating life!?" Am I right?

Let's just put it this way. I have come to a very BIG realization recently. That realization is ... (drumroll please) ... I am NOT going to go out with someone just to have something to do or to say that I have plans or to get out of the house. I don't need that, I'm happy and content in my own skin and as far as being my own company. Just because I'm at home on a Saturday evening does NOT equate to me being bored. In fact, it most likely means I'm quite content.... happy even. I LOVE a night in wearing my PJs, wathcing a movie and spending time with the cat. Call me crazy if you want. I bet I'm happier and better off than getting plastered at 221 or Sharkey's every weekend. I've tried to force the issue in the dating world and continue to meet certain guys for "dates" to see where it goes, if feelings would develop, see what makes them tick but I'm done with that.

I am not defined by who I am dating nor by IF I am dating. What started as considering a sabbatical from Facebook has opened me up to realizing that I can cultivate friendships, work on my health, organize my life and "snowball" my debt and generally become a more whole person. Don't get me wrong, I truly hope to meet someone super special this year. That person who is my best friend, my partner in crime, dare I say my soul-mate. I know God has a plan and has this person picked out. My goal is to learn to be patient and to follow His path and guidance to get me to this person.

Here's to 2010. Here's to a FABULOUS new job. Here's to being Debt-Free. Here's to being Okay With Me.

Stay Thirsty My Friends!